Lethal Wedding
by Kmikaze KAtie AAPPG 42
Summary: Set after Lethal Weapon 4. Riggs and Lorna are getting married, but of course NOTHING ever goes smoothly. They onlly wanna baptize their son and get married, but the ensuing events make the three stooges look relatively sane. Strong language. Read/Review!
1. Lethal Waiting

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Lethal Weddings

Riggs paced back and forth, waiting for the ceremony to begin. His nerves sang a song shriller than a dog whistle. 

"Stop pacing, Riggs, You're makin' me nervous!" Leo snapped.

"You're Nervous? YOU'RE nervous?! Well how the hell do you think **I** feel?" Riggs retorted.

"This is the second time you've done this, you think you'd have it down by now," Leo grumbled, at which point, Roger hit across the back of the head.

"Shut up, Leo," He said sharply.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, whatever," Leo said, fidgeting in his own tux. "Hey Riggs, why we gotta wear these damn monkey suits? They're real uncomfortable."

"We wear them because Lorna wants us to," Riggs answered. 

"Lorna wants this, Lorna wants that. Jeeze Riggs, I never pegged you as a…" Leo Started but Riggs cut him off.

"I don't give a fuck what you pegged me as. You're wearing the damn tux and you're going to like it," Riggs snapped. "And if you complain about it, you're going to fucking DIE, all right!?!"

"But I'm the Best Man. You can't kill me until after the ceremony," Leo pointed out.

"Oh, I'm sure Roge can fill in nicely," Riggs said nonchalantly. 

"Yeah, you bet I could," Roger replied. 

"Okay, okay," Leo said. 

"What time is it?" Riggs asked. Roger looked at his watch.

"One-oh-five," He answered. "We still have fifteen minutes."

"Fifteen more fucking minutes of watching Riggs pace," Leo complained. Roger hit him again.

"Shut the fuck up, Leo," He said. Suddenly a thought struck Riggs.

"Who's got the kid?" Riggs asked.

"Kid? What kid? What the fuck are you talking about?" Leo looked at Riggs like he was a lunatic.

"The kid! **MY** kid! My SON!" Riggs replied. "Who has him?"

"What do you mean who has him?" Leo said, sitting up straight.

"I mean who has him? Where the fuck is he?" Riggs said.

"I thought Lorna was gonna get him," Leo replied.

"Lorna's getting married, stupid!" Roger said, hitting him again.

"Hey! Hey! Will you STOP that, all right!?" Leo snapped. 

"Well if Lorna doesn't have him, then who the hell does?" Riggs asked, his going slightly wide.

"Rianne, probably," Leo said.

"Rianne's got her own baby," Roger glared at him

"So, doesn't mean she can't have Riggs' kid, too," Leo observed only to get a menacing glare from Roger. "Not in that way, of course," He added after a second.

"Roge, poke your head out and see who has him," Riggs asked. Roger looked at Riggs for a moment.

"Wait a second, I thought you hired a baby sitter," He said.

"Nah, Lorna wanted him to be here. Sentimental crap. She thought it'd be 'sweet' to have the baby baptized before.. before the Wedding…" Riggs trailed off. 

"OH MY GOD!" they all shouted in unison. The trio rushed out into the church astonished to find Lorna and their friends still in the pew with his son in Lorna's arms. He neglected to notice that there was no preacher at the alter giving mass. 

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Oh God, Riggs thought as he rushed into the pew beside Lorna, _Did they actually tell her to sit back down?!_

"Sorry we're late," Riggs said apologetically, putting on his best puppy-dog act and hoping his charm could save his ass, this time. Lorna looked rather miffed. 

"Don't worry, you're not that late. You **would** have only missed the first 5 minutes of the mass," She said. Riggs was about to ask her how that was possible, but decided he'd figure it out later. He looked around and noticed something was a miss.

"Uhhh, Lorna, honey? Where's the preacher?" He asked. Lorna's scowl grew darker.

"He hasn't shown yet," she hissed.

"Hasn't shown yet?" Riggs asked. "What do you mean?"

"I **mean** that the bastard isn't here," Lorna hissed.

"Honey, should you be saying that infront of him?" Riggs asked, pointing at the crucifix on the wall behind the alter.

"Oh, I don't give a damn, Riggs. Where is this guy?" Lorna moaned. As if on cue, the preacher staggered in. He staggered down the aisle, then up to the alter.

"Oh no…" Riggs thought. The preacher was obviously smashed.

"I's.. I's sorry I;s was a little *hic* late to day…" He grinned a drunken grin. "I's late and I.. and I aplogi.. apolijee… I's sorry," He slurred out.

"Ah.. Lorna, honey?" Riggs whispered, "Is THIS the guy who will also be marrying us?" 

Lorna didn't reply, she just sat there wide eyed.

"Oh hell no," She finally breathed. 

How am I doing? Please Review. That's the only way you'll get to see how the baptism goes, and the rest of the fic for that matter. (Evil Grin)


	2. Lethal Baptism

The mass was a train wreck. The priest dropped the bible, spilled his water, knocked over several holy objects and couldn't find the passage he was supposed to read from. Even though it was April, he was reading for December.

"And shoooo Merrryy Shistmis Evry buddy!" He slurred, then went to stagger out.

"Wait!" Lorna stood up, drawing the attention to herself.

"What?" The preacher looked at her with a glazed over stare.

"The mass isn't over! You have to do communion still," She protested.

"Lookie heere Misshey…. Who'sha preasher here? Me or you?" The preacher Slurred.

"And you still have to baptize my baby and marry me to my fiancé!" She shouted, getting angry. The rest of the church gasped, and even Riggs shrank into his seat.

"Honey, I don't think that's the best thing you coulda said in a church," He started, but was cut off by the drunken preacher.

"You have a baby and you're not married! You're living in shin! Shinners! Repent!" He dralled and shouted.

"Yeah, well you're a drunken preacher so back off," Said Lorna defensively, making Riggs shrink back into his seat even more.

"Who are you to tall to me like that?" The preacher slurred.

"The person you're supposed to be sober enough to marry and baptize the child of," Retorted Lorna. 

"Right, right, fine, fine," The preacher slurred, "Bring the little bastard up here."

"What?!" Lorna shrieked, as Riggs stood up angrily.

"Are you insulting my kid, you drunken lush?!" He roared. Most of the people in the church were aghast at the entire spectical. One family found it funny and was sniggering in the back ground. Riggs turned sharply, his eyes fierce enough to be shooting daggers. One murderous look, and they were silenced. Not the people on the far side of the opposite, pew, though. Riggs stood by Lorna and turned back to the preacher. 

"I shmeant litter… lighter… literally," The preached explained in slurred phrases. "He was born out of wedlock."

Riggs, Lorna and their company were not convinced.

"You still don't have to call him something like that, and in a church no less," remarked Leo, "What kind of a goddamn preacher are you?"

"Leo, sit down," Said Roger, knowing that Leo was only making the situation worse. 

"Nah, I ain't gonna sit down," Said Leo, "He's insulting the child of one of my best friends."

"Don't worry about it Leo," Riggs said, cooly, "We can handle this."

"Shorry oofence wush taken. Now, bring him up here," Said the preacher. 

"Fine," Said Lorna, moving to get out of the pew.

"Lorna, honey, should we trust this guy around our kid and water?" Riggs asked.

"We'll be right there with him," Lorna responded. 

"How nice to have your baby babtished at shistmas," Said the preacher with a smile.

"It's April," Snapped Lorna.

"Ish it?" The preacher was puzzled.

"Yes," replied Lorna.

"Ish it?" The preacher repeated, still confused.

"Yes," Said Lorna, sighing.

"Ish it," The preacher asked again.

"YES!" Roared Riggs, surprising everyone on the alter that Lorna hadn't done it.

"Oh, it is," said the preacher. He grabbed a cup of water and doused the baby with it.

"You be babteyeshed into the Church," He said. Lorna screamed and clutched her caughing and crying baby, drying him off and comforting him. Riggs angrily grabbed the preacher's shoulder and socked him across the chin, knocking him out.

That's all for now. Review for more


	3. Lethal Churches

"Riggs! You knocked out the preacher!" Gasped Roger.  
  
"After nearly drowning my kid, he had it coming," Riggs defended himself. The rest of the church was in shock, and didn't know what to do. Some where aghast, some where laughing hysterically, a good majority were cheering for Riggs and several were screaming at him to repent.  
  
"Yeah, but now who's going to do the ceremony?" Asked Roger.  
  
"Shit!" Swore Riggs as he realized Roger's point.  
  
"Don't worry Riggs," Said Leo, "He was too damn drunk to do it anyway."  
  
"We'll have to go to another church or bring in a replacement," Sighed Lorna, who had just calmed down her son.  
  
"Hey mate," Said someone from the first pew, "Why not just go to the Protestant church next door?"  
  
The entire party did a double take.  
  
"You mean this isn't the Protestant church?" Lorna asked.  
  
"No," Said the person. "This is Saint Rose. A Catholic church."  
  
The party shouted various obscenities and rushed out like they were going through hell in a gasoline-covered suit. In the pews, one person turned to their friends and family and grinned wickedly.  
  
"Let's follow them," He said, evilly, "If what happens there is anything like what happened with them Here, we don't want to miss it."  
  
With that, groups trailed the party to the church next door.  
  
The preacher was in the middle of his sermon when Riggs, Lorna and the others burst in, scaring the hell out of the preacher and most people in the church.  
  
"Sorry we're late!" He gasped. "You wouldn't believe…"  
  
"It's quite all right… just.. just take your seat," Said the preacher, nervously, "You didn't miss much.. oh wait… are you the couple that's having your baby baptized?"  
  
"Yes," Replied Lorna, "Yes, that's us."  
  
"Well then, you've just missed it, I'm afraid. We've gone passed that point in the mass," Said the preacher, still nervously.  
  
"WHAT?!" Roared Riggs.  
  
"Don't worry," The preacher said quickly, "I can baptize him in a private ceremony after mass."  
  
"That'll be fine," Lorna said, sitting down. Riggs looked round, noticing that their family members had mixed reactions. Most of Rigg's family members seemed to take the situation lightly, while most of Lorna's relatives seemed about ready to kill him.  
  
The mass went well, and the baptism went surprisingly well, aside from the preacher being so nervous. 


	4. Lethal Waiting 2

"Well," Said Lee entering the room in his own tux, "That went good for you guys."  
  
In the room with Riggs, Roger and Leo were other members of the wedding party. Member's of Lorna's family had just left after thoroughly chewing up and spitting out Riggs. Riggs practically slumped down into a chair and sighed, glad that the worst of the blood letting was finally over. At least he hoped it was. He closed his eyes and rested his head on the chair back, slapping his hands over his eyes. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. He opened his eyes and stood up.  
  
"Roge," Said Riggs, "How could your watch say 1:45 when it was only 12:45?"  
  
"I don't know," replied Roger, looking at his watch.  
  
"Yeah, I was kinda wondering that," Leo Said.  
  
" Your watch working?" Lee asked his father-in-law.  
  
"Yeah, it's still ticking," Replied Roger.  
  
"Did you reset it?" asked Lee.  
  
"Reset it?" Roger asked.  
  
"Yeah, reset it," Replied Lee. The other men gave him a blank look. "For Daylight Savings Time?"  
  
"OH!" Said Riggs slapping his forehead and closing his eyes, "That's right! Daylight savings time!"  
  
"You forgot to reset your watch yuh moron!" Hissed Leo.  
  
"Why didn't you check yours?" Roger retorted.  
  
"I don't have a watch!" Responded Leo.  
  
"Why didn't you BRING one?" Roger snapped.  
  
"Because you had yours!" Shouted Leo, waving his arms.  
  
"QUIET!" Shouted Riggs, shutting everyone up. "Roge, set you watch," He said.  
  
"What time is it Lee?" Roger asked his son-in-law. Lee looked at his watch.  
  
"1:45," Said Lee.  
  
"Damn," spat Leo, ""Fifteen more fucking minutes of watching Riggs pace."  
  
Lee, Roger, Riggs and every other member of the wedding party in the room went to hit him.  
  
More coming as I get it written 


	5. Lethal Fire

Fifteen minutes until the wedding, Riggs was nervous as hell and back to pacing. He wanted to lash out and hit something to relieve some stress and hopefully some anxiety. His nerves sang a song shriller than that of a dog whistle. He himself didn't know why he was so nervous, as Leo said, he had been through this before… he just WAS nervous. He tried to calm himself by telling himself everything would be perfect. Nothing was going to go wrong… then he remembered the way the day had gone thus far, and got even more nervous. Leo had made no more smart-ass comments this time. Not after the beating he got when the other members of the wedding party fell on him like rabid wolves over his last comment. The pacing didn't seem to mind many other people, though. Not the married ones, especially. Roger and Lee knew how nervous Riggs was. They themselves were both married. Lee remembered almost passing out from the anxiety. Roger felt like he was having a heart attack when he got married to Trish. Riggs himself remembered being nervous about marrying Vicki. Not this nervous though.  
  
Damn, He thought, You think I'd be LESS nervous!  
  
Nope, it just HAD to be the other way around, but then again, the way things had been going, it seemed Riggs had quite a lot to be nervous about.  
  
"How much longer?" Riggs asked.  
  
"Ten minutes," Replied Roger, looking at his watch.  
  
"Lee, can you confirm that? In case he didn't set his watch right?" Leo quipped.  
  
"Shut up, Leo!" Snapped Roger, hitting him across the back of the head.  
  
"Don't worry, Riggs, I'm sure the wedding will go fine," Lee said, trying to calm him.  
  
"I hope it goes better than the baptism," Said Leo. Everyone turned and glared at him menacingly, Riggs looked about ready to kill him. "What?" Leo said.  
  
"Nothing's gonna go wrong," Offered Roger.  
  
"Famous last words," Riggs muttered.  
  
"Don't Worry," Lee said. "It'll go smoothly."  
  
"Yeah," Said Leo, "What could go wrong."  
  
Suddenly, there was a shrill beeping sound, the sounds of shrieks and screams. Riggs became acutley aware of the smell of smoke and fire. Seconds later, the Sprinkler cut on.  
  
"YOU HAD TO FUCKING SAY IT!" Riggs screamed at Leo. As the tried to get out of the room with out getting drenched and failed miserably at it.  
  
They managed to get out to find the rest of the church filled with smoke. Coughing and hacking, they got down low to get to the door and ran out.  
  
Outside the church, a crowd had gathered, mostly people trying to get out of the church. Riggs scanned the crowd. Sighed in relief when he saw Trish and Rianne. Rianne was holding her baby daughter, and Trish was holding Riggs' son. Lee and Roger hurried over to their families, relieved to find everyone present and accounted for. Riggs quickly scanned the crowd, looking for all the members of the wedding party. Alarm rose in Riggs as he relaized Lorna wasn't there.  
  
"LORNA!" He called, "Where's Lorna!" The crowd looked around and panicked as they realized the bride was unaccounted for. The Fire Department was beginning to show up. "LORNA!" Riggs cried, frantically. He looked back to the church. Smoke was pouring out of it, and he could see flames as the fire was spreading. Lorna was still in there. The bride's maids were in panick.  
  
"SHE MUST BE STILL IN THERE!" One of them screamed. Riggs didn't need to be told twice. In a New York second he bashed back into the church before anyone could stop him.  
  
"RIGGS!" Lee shouted.  
  
"NO!" Shouted Roger, trying to catch his best friend by the arm, but Riggs was already out of his reach and running.  
  
"Is he fucking CRAZY!" Shouted Leo.  
  
"Yes," replied everyone around him. 


	6. Lethal Fire 2

"RIGGS!" Lee shouted.  
  
"NO!" Shouted Roger, trying to catch his best friend by the arm, but Riggs was already out of his reach and running.  
  
"Is he fucking CRAZY!" Shouted Leo.  
  
"Yes," replied everyone around him.  
  
Inside the church, it was filled with smoke. Riggs' throat and lungs burned, his eyes stung and he could hardly breath.  
  
"LORNA!" He shouted at the top of his lungs. "LORNA! LORNA WHERE ARE YOU! LORN!" He desperately looked for his wife-to-be. He ban to run to the room where Lorna and the Bridesmaids had been readying, hoping to God she was there. Riggs had never been much for praying, but he sure as hell was doing a lot of it now. He found the door was shut. Why was the door shut? The bridesmaids were out of there. That didn't matter now. All that mattered was that Lorna might be in there. Riggs went for the doorknob, but drew his hand away and cursed at finding that it was as hot as hell. He had to get in. There was only one other option. He backed up several paces, ran at top speed and slammed full forces into the door, shouldering the blow and knocking it down. He was coughing hard. The smoke was getting to him.  
  
"LORNA!" He shouted, "LORNA! WHERE ARE YOU?"  
  
"Riggs!" He barely heard Lorna's inaudible shout, "I'm over here!"  
  
In the thick smoke, Riggs could see Lorna running to him. He grabbed her as soon as she came with in reach.  
  
"Come one, honey," He said, "Let's get the hell out of here."  
  
The fire department was just about to enter when Riggs and Lorna came running out of the church. Lorna's Wedding dress was singed and smoke damaged and she, too, was soaked from the sprinklers. Their eyes were red and watering and they were both coughing fiercely as they escaped the church. As soon as they were a safe distance, collapsed into Riggs arms, sobbing. Riggs just held her and comforted her about the whole misfortune, all though he was pretty shaken himself.  
  
"Sir," A fireman ran up to him, "Sir, was there anyone else in there?"  
  
"I don't know," Riggs relied, "I don't think so. There was no one that I saw."  
  
"All the guests are present and accounted for," Said one of the ushers. "We were able to check their names against the names in the guest book."  
  
"I checked with clergy, everyone's here," Said the preacher.  
  
"What about the wedding party?" Lorna asked as she looked up, her eyes red from the smoke and crying.  
  
"Leo, Lee and I took a head count," Roger said, joining the group.  
  
"Good," Said the fireman, "Hey pal, listen, I'm sorry this had to happen on your wedding day."  
  
With that, the fireman joined his comrades and put out the fire. 


	7. Lethal Aftermath

Everyone had gone to Roger's house after seeing that everyone was all right. Lorna, Rianne, and Trish sat in the kitchen.  
  
"Christ," Lorna cried to Rianne and Trish. "I Just wanted to get the baby baptized and get married! But we get a drunken preacher, and the damn church burns down!"  
  
"I know, baby, I know," Trish said sympathetically.  
  
"Well, you got the baby baptized," Rianne offered.  
  
"But the church burned down! Is this whole thing cursed or something?" Sobbed Lorna. Tish was about to say something, but Riggs entered.  
  
"Lorna, honey, are you okay?" He asked. She nodded silently. "One of the fireman just stopped by. The fire was electrical. Bad wiring. They said that they got it in thime though, that it's not too bad. The church is still in more or less one piece. It was just a bathroom."  
  
"That's good," Said Lorna.  
  
"They said if it weren't for the fact that the entire thing was so smoky, we could still get married. The main part itself just smells of smoke. It's the parts around it that are smoke damaged," Riggs said.  
  
"I don't think the wedding part could stand the smell… and our clothes are ruined. My wedding dress is singed and soaked," Lorna sighed.  
  
"Well you know, with some air fresheners and a new dress," Riggs said, trying to cheer up his lover. It got a small smile out of her.  
  
"Lorna, I was thinking… I ran across the tux I wore when Vicki and I were married… and it still fits…" Riggs started.  
  
"That takes care of your tuxedo," Lorna smiled, "But what about my dress?"  
  
"And I came across Vicki's old dress a little while back. I still have it. I can go and grab it if you want to try it on. Maybe you can use it, if it fits you. You look close to her size… Well, you're a little taller, but maybe we can let out them hem or something…" Riggs suggested, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He was worried Lorna wouldn't like the idea. "When we were sorting through boxes this past week, I found it. Found it yesterday in fact.. it's still in pretty good condition. I was surprised to find it. I thought for sure I had put in storage."  
  
Lorna smiled. "It's worth a try… but what about the other members of the party?"  
  
"Roger has another Tuxedo," Said Trish.  
  
"Lee has the one from when we were married," Said Rianne.  
  
"Your dad's offered to help us pay for rented ones," Riggs said.  
  
"But where can we get married?" Asked Lorna.  
  
"Well, we can always go to Vegas," Riggs quipped.  
  
"You guys live next to a beach, and it's a sunny day, it might be nice to get married on the beach," Trish suggested.  
  
"With our luck, there will probably be a tidal wave," Said Riggs, "Hey, Trish has a nice flower garden?"  
  
"Perfect," Said Trish, taking the suggestion seriously, "I call the preacher."  
  
"We don't know if the dress will fit," Said Lorna.  
  
"Well, hurry and try it on! Riggs, go get it! Go forth!" Tirsh exclaimed. She was delighted at the idea of a wedding in her garden. 


End file.
